Ye Cads!

This is a reprint of an article I had clipped from Town and Country several years ago, I was happy to find it online and decided to post to to my blog.

We will return to travel topics shortly. Up next: pictures of Oktoberfest and forthcoming trip to St. Lucia.

Ye cads! How to spot scoundrels, recognize rakes and put your foot down on heels.
Article from:Town & Country Article date:August 1, 2004
Author:Markoe, Merrill

IF SOMEONE HAD told Mother Nature at the dawn of creation that there would come a time when her sons and daughters would continue dating for decades, she would have laughed derisively and then, if she was feeling irritable, made them extinct. The way she set it up was that when people were in their teens or twenties, they were supposed to settle down with someone and then pretend that whatever situation they found themselves in, good or bad, was marital bliss. My aunt once described her "happy" marriage like this: "Well, honey, not a day went by that he didn't make me cry. But you learn to take the good with the bad."

Not anymore. Today's pickier women prefer not to have a "happy" marriage with a guy who makes them cry every day, even if it means continuing to search for the perfect mate well into their thirties, forties and fifties. Of course, this means they will spend a lot more time than a reasonable per son would like to staring across a tiny table at Starbucks into the eyes of the hard-core unworthy. As women who have been forced to continue dating for prolonged periods of time will tell you, it instantly becomes apparent that most of the men they meet are not of "perfect mate" caliber. Some they will reject summarily for superficial but benign reasons. More dangerous are the men who used to be referred to as "cads" because nature seemed to have designed them to be unusually colorful and attractive, like most other dangerous animals and plants, such as the Venus flytrap and the diamondback rattlesnake.

Although my Microsoft Word dictionary defines "cad" as "computer-aided design," a more old-fashioned dictionary still offers this definition: "a man who does not behave as a gentleman should toward a woman." I believe the word of choice to describe them these days might be "a--hole."

But within the aforementioned old fashioned definition lies the crux of the problem. The word "gentleman" has been pretty much relegated to what announcers say at sporting events alter "Ladies and...." Because there is no contemporary definition of "gentleman," there are also no easy rules for spotting a cad. Instead, when a contemporary woman meets a guy upon whom she bestows the exalted title of "cute," the scrutinizing process is halted. If his behavior seems untoward, she will happily provide him with all the sympathetic explanations she requires to keep her illusion of romantic hope alive. And this she will continue to do right up until the moment she has been so humiliated that she is forced to trade in the word "cute" for the word "sociopath."

Sadly, our culture continues to ignore my plea that we establish a national network of diagnostic stations where one can drop off a new love interest to have him evaluated, as one can when purchasing a used car. Until that system is put into place, here is a list of specific behavioral clues that in my experience are arrows pointing to the tip of a treacherous iceberg that any smart woman should give a wide berth.

1. Beware the man who doesn't ask you any questions about yourself on your first date. You shrug and think, "He's interesting! He's cute! We'll get to me soon enough." Merrill sez: Maybe. But, unfortunately, not in this lifetime. Because you are watching him talk about the only person who interests him.

2. Conversely, beware the man who does nothing but ask you questions about yourself and offers no information about himself Not only is he keeping you at bay, he is probably not listening to your answers.

3. Beware the man who walks too fast. Don't kid yourself that this is an isolated symptom. If he walks half a block or more ahead of you, it's because proximity to you is of no importance to him. This is the beginning of a predictable list of other hostile, petty and inconsiderate behaviors. Oddly enough, the man who walks too slowly is no bargain, either. He may have problems with his health or be depressed. There's got to be a man in your area who can walk at a normal speed. So get out there and find him, damn it.

4. Beware the old man in young guy's clothes. If he's over thirty five and comes to pick you up looking as though he's headed for a skateboarding competition while you are dressed to go to a nice restaurant, this is not a good sign. A wacky, trendy outfit on a guy over forty indicates he's got big issues. (Unless he's Keith Richards. And then he definitely has big issues, hut they're different ones.)

5. Beware the sudden, irrational light that seems to descend oil you from nowhere. If you begin a conversation about potato salad and find yourself being called a castrating bitch, don't waste your time going around and around about this with your girlfriends, trying to figure out what happened. Instead, go to amazon.com, type in the word "narcissism" and read a couple of books about how hope less these people are in relationships. Even if they are really, REALLY cute. In fact, especially.

6. Beware too much too soon. It's an attempt to distract you from noticing that something big is missing. I went out with a guy who was saying "I love you" by the second date. "But you don't even know me," I thought, until I started to override my instincts. "What is wrong with me? Am I so cynical that I can't accept this man's love?" I asked myself. But as soon as I said "I love you" back and tried to relate to him as part of a theoretically loving couple, he said I was trying to suffocate him. A week later, while my mother was having brain surgery, he broke up with me. Which is why I now reiterate:

7. Beware of overriding your instincts. My first impression of this man had been that he was slick and superficial. But I argued with that odd little voice inside that was picking tip the truth. Similarly, don't rationalize his bad behavior. If he smells stinky or doesn't have time to call, it probably isn't because he's so busy. It's because he doesn't really care what you think. Period.

8. Beware the cute, hot guy who kind of reminds you of the parent you don't get along with: your cold, distant father who left when you were a kid or your hot-tempered mother whom you could never please. "But," you argue angrily, "can't that be a good thing? After all, I love my par ents!" Absolutely not. Let's face it. You have to put tip with crap from Morn or Dad, but see a shrink before you start channeling it through date boy. You have just been punked by nature's dirtiest trick. Welcome to repetition compulsion, wherein your problem parent is repackaged and served up to you as a hot member of the sex to which you are attracted. This is the most direct portal to hell of them all.

9. A few last men to beware: guys who won't remove their hats and sunglasses--they think you're too thick to notice the stuff they think they're hiding. I also don't trust picky eaters, guys who get manicures or, even worse, pedicures, and guys who talk on their cell phones in front of you at dinner. Add to this list guys who wear socks with sandals, but only because it bugs me. I have no empirical evidence to back up this petty observation. Most important, remember that putting too much stock in "cute" is a very good way to lose touch with your instincts. You don't want to tune those out.

10. And, just to be on the safe side, you might as well avoid guys who work in computer-aided design.




COPYRIGHT 2007 Hearst Communications, reprinted with permission of Hearst.
This material is published under license from the publisher through the Gale Group, Farmington Hills, Michigan. All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to the Gale Group.